Neurosis

Neurosis - refers to a class of functional mental disorder involving distress but neither delusions nor hallucinations, where behaviour is not outside socially accepted norms.

Some say that my neurosis with my daughter started the day she was born. Well, I actually think it began the moment I found out I was pregnant. I was four month along when I finally realized there was something wrong with me. A week latter I had done the math and realized that I was pregnant. It took me three more weeks to tell my mother (well I actually didn't tell her, the school's Social Worker did, I was to afraid). But even as afraid I was I knew I wanted to keep the baby, knew it was my destiny, for me there was no other choice.

Friend and family wanted me to get an abortion, or to give her up for adoption. But I couldn't think about that. She was part of me. Sometimes I think I was selfish, but even then I couldn't think about doing that. So my first obsession was keeping her. When my family was finally on board everything, was great. Well as great as can be in the life of a 15 year old pregnant teenager. Which was very difficult indeed. My mother sat me down one day and said: "OK, you want to keep her fine, but you alone will be responsible for her. You can stay here but you have to work, finish high school and raise her yourself." It was a challenge, difficult but not impossible, those words became my mantra, my objective and purpose in life. those a neurosis was born.

My neurosis has a name, ACHIEVEMENT. Not only that she be a great individual, but that everything she does, be great. (Just a little bit of pressure, right)

For example, when she was 3 1/2 years old, I was getting my associate degree, so I enrolled her on the Head Start program. She went there for half a day, my mother, that worked close to the center where she was, picked her up because I took classes everyday up till 3 pm. Near there, a shoe shiner had a station, so everyday she went there and saw him shinning shoes. At 3 1/2 years old she wanted to be a shoe shinier, and I told her she could be. As long as she was the best shoe shiner that ever lived. Her great-grandfather bought her a shoe shining kit, and for three months we had the shiniest shoes in the block.

When she was 4 years old she wanted to be a waitress. For a whole month in the house we had our own personal waitress. She would serve our food, drink and expected a tip at the end of dinner. I told her that she should strive to be the best waitress that ever lived.

The same was when she began taking ballet and then soccer. I wanted her to be the best. Yes I know, to much pressure. But, she did her best, and that was enough for me,. As long as it was her best. In academics, it was different she had to do her best, but for a different reason. Her future depended on it. If she wanted to have options for college, she couldn't wait until she was in high school, she had to be ready before.

Elementary school was in preparation for Junior High; Junior High was in preparation for High School, and High School is in preparation for College. There was no time to waste in the making of an overachiever; And overachieve she has. But my work isn't done, we still have 1year 24days 23minutes of preparation left. (Breath, breath, breath, hyper. . . venti. . .lating, must . . . find. . . brown. . . paper. . . bag)

I'm back, where was I. Oh yeah, what's left, the following:

1. PSAT - October 17, 2009 (that's done, we are now on July 7, 2010)
2. PEUP - October 2010
3. SAT - October 2010
4. ACT - October 2010
5. AP Exams - April 21 - 24, 2011

Plus, get and maintain good GPA,fill college admission forms, student aid forms, look for additional student aid. What's happening, what am I doing on the floor, did I black out again?

What's left to do many things. My brain goes a thousand miles a minute. I try to control it, but can't. I really need a hobby.

As you can see she has been my whole life since she was born. She has consumed every waking and sleeping moment in my life, so its a little difficult to let go. It will be hard to do, but not impossible. If I was able to guide her well, she will be fine. (She will be fine, she will be fine, I will be fine, we all will be fine). And I have 1year 24days and 15minutes to get ready. That brown paper bag will get a lot of use, in the time we have left.

She is ready, she could leave today and be fine (sigh, breath, don't pass out, it's OK). But I need every second we have left together to prepare. Yes I know, GET A GRIP. Somebody already said it, but at this moment I can't. Maybe in a month or two I will be better, (uff is it hot in here, who turn the air conditioning up).

And that is where my friend Joy comes over. In seeing that she is ready, that in spite of it all I have done a good job of raising her, it makes me Joyful. So Joy reminds me that I have done well, that every step she takes is in the right direction. Even if those steps are taking her away, far away from me. My job will be done, I will just have to work part time, she will be 18, in college and responsible for the choices and steps she takes. Joy simply reminds me, that she is a good kid, smart and that has decided to live inside the will of God. So everything will be great. (Sometimes, I just tell her to shut up)

So now you know, the source of my agony, depression and neurosis. Does anyone know a good psychiatrist? By the end of this 1year 24days and 13minutes I will really need one.

So agony, depression and neurosis identified, working on them. Finding ways to channel my fears for the futures. You may be asking yourself, so what's left? The worst part for all involved. WAITING. That in itself is enough to drive anyone crazy, even my well balanced daughter. Latter I will tell you why.

Depression

Depression - refers to a state of low mood and aversion to activity. The person experiences feelings of sadness, helplessness and hopelessness.

My friend Depression, comes from a single source. She, is leaving. She will always be my baby, but she won't be with me always, and that is OK. She has to make her own life, and logically I will have to make my own life without her. But the fact that i know that doesn't make it any easier. So i get depressed. It seams stupid even to me. I have always looked at those clingy mothers with some sort of judgement. but now, that the shoe is on the other foot, I understand them completely. It's specially hard for me, at least it feels that way, for several reasons.

Reason #1 I'm a single mother.

Not to detract from two parent households, because that's God's model for a family. But single mothers have to work twice as hard to achieve the same things that two parents do. Because there is only one parent, so the work can't be shared. Responsibility is only in the one parent's shoulders. You feel that you have to protect that child more, because he or she will face challenges that a two parent child will never have to deal with. You have to be so many things at once, you sometimes feel like you have multiple personality disorder. (You have to be mother, father, friend, the good guy and the bad guy and everything else they need). It's exhausting.

Well it's certainly not clinical depression (I think). But it's very deep feelings, mine comes from the fact that I will no longer be able to control circumstances around her. People in my family call me The Dictator, because of the tight grip I keep on my daughter. I'm sure some of them think I'm worst than Fidel and Chavez, with a little Pinochet, and a lot of Kim Jong Il put together. The way I control her life. But I don't call it control, I call it direction. A little, OK a lot, of guidance never hurt anyone. And I have nobody else to blame, so if things go wrong, I'm the only one to blame, and then everyone will be saying, if you had done this or that.

So yes, I'm a hard mom. I love her but expect a lot from her. So I have kept a tight grip on her. Like giving her objectives to achieve, had her on a tight schedule and punished her for things that many other parents would go are you insane.

That dictatorship has it's days numbered. I have at this moment, 1year 11months 9days 15hours and 30minutes left to rule. (As I'm blogging, is more like 1year 1month 27days 1hour 30minutes). And that right there depresses me. As e can see from history, satellite nations, and colonies at one time or another will declare a war for independence. I fear that my war of independence will be declared the moment she leaves for college. I know I'm being dramatic. No citizens will die in this war, but The Dictator will be dethroned and a new government will make all future decisions. The old regime will be consulted, once in a while. But it will be diplomatic. Decisions are going to be made with or without that counseling. Can someone get me a tissue, I think the country's levy system is braking down.

Everyone I speak to tells me to get a hobby. But my mind can't think of anything. I already do scrapbooking, other arts and crafts, I'm not a good painter, don't play any instruments. I think all I need is a part time job, so Wal-Mart here I come. Why Wal-Mart you ask? It's a noisy place, there is something to do a lot of the time, and I won't have to think to much about stuff.

Or, I should get something that will occupy my mind completely so that I won't have time to think about what my daughter is doing, if she's fine, and all the other things that will drive me crazy. We will see in 1year 11months 9days 15hours and 18minutes from now. I'm thinking Japaneses is an option, just trying to understand the language, less learn it will keep me busy.

But it's OK, I will go to a therapist and talk about my feelings, Well better make it a psychiatrist to prescribe something for me. ( A little Zoloft or Cymbalta never hurt anyone). I already have people saying my obsession is pathological, so all I need is a little pill to help me. (Just kidding, one won't be enough).

Reason #2 She's my only child.

I had no other children. I would have been crazy to have other children after her. I was also too focused on getting my own education. By the time I finished my bachelor degree, I knew I wasn't ready to get into a relationship. I had and have trust issues. I decided that I wouldn't look for love or anything like it. If it was out there it would have to find me.

Since I haven't found someone compatible, I guess there is no one out there for me, and on the children issue, I had my hands full with one I didn't need to make things harder for myself. Besides I think it would have been selfish of me to have other children. So all my love and devotion was deposited on her.

It's a heady thing to be the sole object of ones affection. But she has had mine always. It came from a place of good intentions. Because all my life, I have felt that I have to love her twice as hard because she doesn't have her father.Maybe, it's not the healthiest thing to have done, but, she has always felt safe, wanted and loved. Above all else, she knows her mother is always there and will always be there when she needs me.

As she grows in the the wonderful woman I know she will be it's difficult because I don't really want to let go. Don't worry I will, even if it dills me. Over dramatic much.

Reason #3 She occupies 100% of my time.

Even when we are apart she consumes most of my time. Take this precise moment, I'm thinking of her. She will get off school in half an hour, she will be leaving with a teacher, that will bringer to my office from Santa Isabel 2o minutes away from where we live in Guayama. She will arrive around 2:30 - 2:45 p.m. I', thinking of her drive here; will something happen? Did she eat at school? Does she have homework? so many things go through my mind that it's a miracle that I can even work.

Even when I work, I do it for her. To pay for her school, expenses, needs. Because I don't want her to lack for anything. You must think she's a brat, but because of some miraculous reason she is not. But not for the lack of attention. She has everyone around her in the palm of their hands. Still she's very humble and obedient.

The rest of the time is spent in getting her here, there, everywhere. Fixing her things, arranging her schedule, and may other things., So when she leaves, my time will be free. Not from thinking of her, but of all the other stuff. Free time to drive me insane. Has anyone heard of empty nest syndrome, and one have it even before the nest is empty? I think we should call it Pre-empty Nest Syndrome (PENS).

So those are the roots of my depression. Don't worry Cymbalta can help. I really do need therapy. Referrals anyone, suggestions for hobbies will be much appreciated.

But like my friend Hope, Peace comes along to calm me down. She takes my hand and lets me know that even though it will probably hurt, it won't kill me when she leaves. That everything is under control and will be fine. But, for the moment Depression is certainly wining. But Peace doesn't give up, I'm really rooting for Peace to win, because I will really need her in 1year 1month 27days 1hour and 5minutes from now.

The agony will pass, depression won't last for ever, the neurosis well that's different.

Agony

Agony is defined as pain, anguish or struggle, specially the struggle that precedes death, from the Greek word agonia.

Agonia, has moved into my friendship circle because of many reasons. But let me explain why my daughter going away to college no matter where is agony. Like I said before, I was a teenage single mother. I had my family's support, but it wasn't like they did everything for me. I had to grow up fast, and become responsible, not only for myself, but responsible for another life too. So I grew up. I finished high school, went to community college and got my associate degree in Office Administration, continued on to the local university and got my bachelor in the same thing. All of that because of her. It wasn't easy, but I did it because of her. All in my life has been because of HER.

Just the other day I told her the words that make that agony explainable: "I fell in love with you the day you where born". Corny I know, tacky yes, cliche of course, cheesy for sure, but true very true. So like my studies, the motivation for everything in my life is my daughter. Every step ever taken, ever decision every made, was driven by her presence in my life. Yes I know, I sound like and obsessed person, like a stalker. But the day she was born, she became my reason for living, and that right there i the root of my agony. Because the day she graduates, she will become an independent being. And although our lives will be forever connected it's not, and will never be the same again. She will be a grown up, and the reason for my being will be removed from my life (over dramatic much).

For so many years she has been the driving force of my life, that I have no idea how to live without her. For that same reason we are very close. She became my best friend, and when she goes I will feel abandoned by my daughter and my friend. A little melodramatic am I. Well that's not half of it. There are other, maybe less stressful reasons for my agony, but still the contribute.

Sometimes (OK always) I'm a little overprotective. So the fact that she will be somewhere that I wont be able to know what's happening, if she is OK, if she ate, what are those around her doing. Is she sleeping well, so many things to worry about and I won't be able to do anything about it. Because she will be miles away. Some thing that to every overprotective mother is nerve raking in itself, but again there are other things adding to the fire.

What other things you ask. BOYS. She is very pretty. She doesn't think so, but she is. She has long curly light golden brown hair color, sun kissed skin color, and brown-green eyes. She's skinny and athletic, but not overly so, and is of average height. She's shy and very reserved and a little bit of a klutz, which many boys find attractive or at least intriguing, because of the whole damsel in distress thing. Up till now she has been oblivious of the male sex and their interest in her. But it has been in part for my efforts (I become an illegal pitbull when boys are around her).

She has felt attraction to only two boys, but nothing ever came of it (THANK GOD). There have been many that have shown interest but all have been squashed by her high standards and my rabid dog glare (It's help that sometimes I foam from the mouth). All but two intrepid suitors have venture into battle and were sadly lost in the war. One is still licking his wounds. So his experience had warded off others that had shown interest but didn't want to be casualties of war. Until the second one came. Because of the firsts actions I (figuratively speaking, really wishing I could have) put her in a secluded Island, surrounded by leagues of water. I figured if a suitor really deserved her, he would swim until he reached her. But sadly he drown, and the funny thing is he hadn't even left the shallow waters.

But through all those interested she has had me there to counsel her in what to do. And in other cases, I have been the crusher of hearts, discouraging them with simple, but firm words. So my worry is, if she will be able to hold off the male sex that will surely fin her attractive and endearing. Will there be a suitor strong enough to withstand her forces, and swim the whole distance. And she wont have her weapons, me.

Everyone tells me that she's smart, that I have raised her well. But will that be enough. I really hope so. (Breath everything will be OK). But knowing all that doesn't give me peace of mind. She won't be near me, I won't know what's going on or the boys where she is. And that makes me a little cuckoo. I have explained many things, well everything, about boys, relationships and (sigh) sex. So she is no naive little girl that doesn't know anything about life. But it still scares me. (And anyway boys have cuties).

I just have to put all my trust in someone that will be a force stronger than her mother, a true superhero with overwhelming capabilities, JESUS CHRIST. And that is how I meet my friend Hope, she is with me now all the time, she tries and calms me down, and points to the bright spots that are there when I lift my eyes and step out of the shadows. She lets me see that everything is within God's plan, and that nothing I worry about is big in His grasp, so I breath and relax and relax, and calm myself down.

So those are the things that makes my friend Agonia come over, and agonize about the future. There are other worries, but not agonies. And the reality of the thing is that I will have to get a life.