Agony

Agony is defined as pain, anguish or struggle, specially the struggle that precedes death, from the Greek word agonia.

Agonia, has moved into my friendship circle because of many reasons. But let me explain why my daughter going away to college no matter where is agony. Like I said before, I was a teenage single mother. I had my family's support, but it wasn't like they did everything for me. I had to grow up fast, and become responsible, not only for myself, but responsible for another life too. So I grew up. I finished high school, went to community college and got my associate degree in Office Administration, continued on to the local university and got my bachelor in the same thing. All of that because of her. It wasn't easy, but I did it because of her. All in my life has been because of HER.

Just the other day I told her the words that make that agony explainable: "I fell in love with you the day you where born". Corny I know, tacky yes, cliche of course, cheesy for sure, but true very true. So like my studies, the motivation for everything in my life is my daughter. Every step ever taken, ever decision every made, was driven by her presence in my life. Yes I know, I sound like and obsessed person, like a stalker. But the day she was born, she became my reason for living, and that right there i the root of my agony. Because the day she graduates, she will become an independent being. And although our lives will be forever connected it's not, and will never be the same again. She will be a grown up, and the reason for my being will be removed from my life (over dramatic much).

For so many years she has been the driving force of my life, that I have no idea how to live without her. For that same reason we are very close. She became my best friend, and when she goes I will feel abandoned by my daughter and my friend. A little melodramatic am I. Well that's not half of it. There are other, maybe less stressful reasons for my agony, but still the contribute.

Sometimes (OK always) I'm a little overprotective. So the fact that she will be somewhere that I wont be able to know what's happening, if she is OK, if she ate, what are those around her doing. Is she sleeping well, so many things to worry about and I won't be able to do anything about it. Because she will be miles away. Some thing that to every overprotective mother is nerve raking in itself, but again there are other things adding to the fire.

What other things you ask. BOYS. She is very pretty. She doesn't think so, but she is. She has long curly light golden brown hair color, sun kissed skin color, and brown-green eyes. She's skinny and athletic, but not overly so, and is of average height. She's shy and very reserved and a little bit of a klutz, which many boys find attractive or at least intriguing, because of the whole damsel in distress thing. Up till now she has been oblivious of the male sex and their interest in her. But it has been in part for my efforts (I become an illegal pitbull when boys are around her).

She has felt attraction to only two boys, but nothing ever came of it (THANK GOD). There have been many that have shown interest but all have been squashed by her high standards and my rabid dog glare (It's help that sometimes I foam from the mouth). All but two intrepid suitors have venture into battle and were sadly lost in the war. One is still licking his wounds. So his experience had warded off others that had shown interest but didn't want to be casualties of war. Until the second one came. Because of the firsts actions I (figuratively speaking, really wishing I could have) put her in a secluded Island, surrounded by leagues of water. I figured if a suitor really deserved her, he would swim until he reached her. But sadly he drown, and the funny thing is he hadn't even left the shallow waters.

But through all those interested she has had me there to counsel her in what to do. And in other cases, I have been the crusher of hearts, discouraging them with simple, but firm words. So my worry is, if she will be able to hold off the male sex that will surely fin her attractive and endearing. Will there be a suitor strong enough to withstand her forces, and swim the whole distance. And she wont have her weapons, me.

Everyone tells me that she's smart, that I have raised her well. But will that be enough. I really hope so. (Breath everything will be OK). But knowing all that doesn't give me peace of mind. She won't be near me, I won't know what's going on or the boys where she is. And that makes me a little cuckoo. I have explained many things, well everything, about boys, relationships and (sigh) sex. So she is no naive little girl that doesn't know anything about life. But it still scares me. (And anyway boys have cuties).

I just have to put all my trust in someone that will be a force stronger than her mother, a true superhero with overwhelming capabilities, JESUS CHRIST. And that is how I meet my friend Hope, she is with me now all the time, she tries and calms me down, and points to the bright spots that are there when I lift my eyes and step out of the shadows. She lets me see that everything is within God's plan, and that nothing I worry about is big in His grasp, so I breath and relax and relax, and calm myself down.

So those are the things that makes my friend Agonia come over, and agonize about the future. There are other worries, but not agonies. And the reality of the thing is that I will have to get a life.