Depression

Depression - refers to a state of low mood and aversion to activity. The person experiences feelings of sadness, helplessness and hopelessness.

My friend Depression, comes from a single source. She, is leaving. She will always be my baby, but she won't be with me always, and that is OK. She has to make her own life, and logically I will have to make my own life without her. But the fact that i know that doesn't make it any easier. So i get depressed. It seams stupid even to me. I have always looked at those clingy mothers with some sort of judgement. but now, that the shoe is on the other foot, I understand them completely. It's specially hard for me, at least it feels that way, for several reasons.

Reason #1 I'm a single mother.

Not to detract from two parent households, because that's God's model for a family. But single mothers have to work twice as hard to achieve the same things that two parents do. Because there is only one parent, so the work can't be shared. Responsibility is only in the one parent's shoulders. You feel that you have to protect that child more, because he or she will face challenges that a two parent child will never have to deal with. You have to be so many things at once, you sometimes feel like you have multiple personality disorder. (You have to be mother, father, friend, the good guy and the bad guy and everything else they need). It's exhausting.

Well it's certainly not clinical depression (I think). But it's very deep feelings, mine comes from the fact that I will no longer be able to control circumstances around her. People in my family call me The Dictator, because of the tight grip I keep on my daughter. I'm sure some of them think I'm worst than Fidel and Chavez, with a little Pinochet, and a lot of Kim Jong Il put together. The way I control her life. But I don't call it control, I call it direction. A little, OK a lot, of guidance never hurt anyone. And I have nobody else to blame, so if things go wrong, I'm the only one to blame, and then everyone will be saying, if you had done this or that.

So yes, I'm a hard mom. I love her but expect a lot from her. So I have kept a tight grip on her. Like giving her objectives to achieve, had her on a tight schedule and punished her for things that many other parents would go are you insane.

That dictatorship has it's days numbered. I have at this moment, 1year 11months 9days 15hours and 30minutes left to rule. (As I'm blogging, is more like 1year 1month 27days 1hour 30minutes). And that right there depresses me. As e can see from history, satellite nations, and colonies at one time or another will declare a war for independence. I fear that my war of independence will be declared the moment she leaves for college. I know I'm being dramatic. No citizens will die in this war, but The Dictator will be dethroned and a new government will make all future decisions. The old regime will be consulted, once in a while. But it will be diplomatic. Decisions are going to be made with or without that counseling. Can someone get me a tissue, I think the country's levy system is braking down.

Everyone I speak to tells me to get a hobby. But my mind can't think of anything. I already do scrapbooking, other arts and crafts, I'm not a good painter, don't play any instruments. I think all I need is a part time job, so Wal-Mart here I come. Why Wal-Mart you ask? It's a noisy place, there is something to do a lot of the time, and I won't have to think to much about stuff.

Or, I should get something that will occupy my mind completely so that I won't have time to think about what my daughter is doing, if she's fine, and all the other things that will drive me crazy. We will see in 1year 11months 9days 15hours and 18minutes from now. I'm thinking Japaneses is an option, just trying to understand the language, less learn it will keep me busy.

But it's OK, I will go to a therapist and talk about my feelings, Well better make it a psychiatrist to prescribe something for me. ( A little Zoloft or Cymbalta never hurt anyone). I already have people saying my obsession is pathological, so all I need is a little pill to help me. (Just kidding, one won't be enough).

Reason #2 She's my only child.

I had no other children. I would have been crazy to have other children after her. I was also too focused on getting my own education. By the time I finished my bachelor degree, I knew I wasn't ready to get into a relationship. I had and have trust issues. I decided that I wouldn't look for love or anything like it. If it was out there it would have to find me.

Since I haven't found someone compatible, I guess there is no one out there for me, and on the children issue, I had my hands full with one I didn't need to make things harder for myself. Besides I think it would have been selfish of me to have other children. So all my love and devotion was deposited on her.

It's a heady thing to be the sole object of ones affection. But she has had mine always. It came from a place of good intentions. Because all my life, I have felt that I have to love her twice as hard because she doesn't have her father.Maybe, it's not the healthiest thing to have done, but, she has always felt safe, wanted and loved. Above all else, she knows her mother is always there and will always be there when she needs me.

As she grows in the the wonderful woman I know she will be it's difficult because I don't really want to let go. Don't worry I will, even if it dills me. Over dramatic much.

Reason #3 She occupies 100% of my time.

Even when we are apart she consumes most of my time. Take this precise moment, I'm thinking of her. She will get off school in half an hour, she will be leaving with a teacher, that will bringer to my office from Santa Isabel 2o minutes away from where we live in Guayama. She will arrive around 2:30 - 2:45 p.m. I', thinking of her drive here; will something happen? Did she eat at school? Does she have homework? so many things go through my mind that it's a miracle that I can even work.

Even when I work, I do it for her. To pay for her school, expenses, needs. Because I don't want her to lack for anything. You must think she's a brat, but because of some miraculous reason she is not. But not for the lack of attention. She has everyone around her in the palm of their hands. Still she's very humble and obedient.

The rest of the time is spent in getting her here, there, everywhere. Fixing her things, arranging her schedule, and may other things., So when she leaves, my time will be free. Not from thinking of her, but of all the other stuff. Free time to drive me insane. Has anyone heard of empty nest syndrome, and one have it even before the nest is empty? I think we should call it Pre-empty Nest Syndrome (PENS).

So those are the roots of my depression. Don't worry Cymbalta can help. I really do need therapy. Referrals anyone, suggestions for hobbies will be much appreciated.

But like my friend Hope, Peace comes along to calm me down. She takes my hand and lets me know that even though it will probably hurt, it won't kill me when she leaves. That everything is under control and will be fine. But, for the moment Depression is certainly wining. But Peace doesn't give up, I'm really rooting for Peace to win, because I will really need her in 1year 1month 27days 1hour and 5minutes from now.

The agony will pass, depression won't last for ever, the neurosis well that's different.