Neurosis

Neurosis - refers to a class of functional mental disorder involving distress but neither delusions nor hallucinations, where behaviour is not outside socially accepted norms.

Some say that my neurosis with my daughter started the day she was born. Well, I actually think it began the moment I found out I was pregnant. I was four month along when I finally realized there was something wrong with me. A week latter I had done the math and realized that I was pregnant. It took me three more weeks to tell my mother (well I actually didn't tell her, the school's Social Worker did, I was to afraid). But even as afraid I was I knew I wanted to keep the baby, knew it was my destiny, for me there was no other choice.

Friend and family wanted me to get an abortion, or to give her up for adoption. But I couldn't think about that. She was part of me. Sometimes I think I was selfish, but even then I couldn't think about doing that. So my first obsession was keeping her. When my family was finally on board everything, was great. Well as great as can be in the life of a 15 year old pregnant teenager. Which was very difficult indeed. My mother sat me down one day and said: "OK, you want to keep her fine, but you alone will be responsible for her. You can stay here but you have to work, finish high school and raise her yourself." It was a challenge, difficult but not impossible, those words became my mantra, my objective and purpose in life. those a neurosis was born.

My neurosis has a name, ACHIEVEMENT. Not only that she be a great individual, but that everything she does, be great. (Just a little bit of pressure, right)

For example, when she was 3 1/2 years old, I was getting my associate degree, so I enrolled her on the Head Start program. She went there for half a day, my mother, that worked close to the center where she was, picked her up because I took classes everyday up till 3 pm. Near there, a shoe shiner had a station, so everyday she went there and saw him shinning shoes. At 3 1/2 years old she wanted to be a shoe shinier, and I told her she could be. As long as she was the best shoe shiner that ever lived. Her great-grandfather bought her a shoe shining kit, and for three months we had the shiniest shoes in the block.

When she was 4 years old she wanted to be a waitress. For a whole month in the house we had our own personal waitress. She would serve our food, drink and expected a tip at the end of dinner. I told her that she should strive to be the best waitress that ever lived.

The same was when she began taking ballet and then soccer. I wanted her to be the best. Yes I know, to much pressure. But, she did her best, and that was enough for me,. As long as it was her best. In academics, it was different she had to do her best, but for a different reason. Her future depended on it. If she wanted to have options for college, she couldn't wait until she was in high school, she had to be ready before.

Elementary school was in preparation for Junior High; Junior High was in preparation for High School, and High School is in preparation for College. There was no time to waste in the making of an overachiever; And overachieve she has. But my work isn't done, we still have 1year 24days 23minutes of preparation left. (Breath, breath, breath, hyper. . . venti. . .lating, must . . . find. . . brown. . . paper. . . bag)

I'm back, where was I. Oh yeah, what's left, the following:

1. PSAT - October 17, 2009 (that's done, we are now on July 7, 2010)
2. PEUP - October 2010
3. SAT - October 2010
4. ACT - October 2010
5. AP Exams - April 21 - 24, 2011

Plus, get and maintain good GPA,fill college admission forms, student aid forms, look for additional student aid. What's happening, what am I doing on the floor, did I black out again?

What's left to do many things. My brain goes a thousand miles a minute. I try to control it, but can't. I really need a hobby.

As you can see she has been my whole life since she was born. She has consumed every waking and sleeping moment in my life, so its a little difficult to let go. It will be hard to do, but not impossible. If I was able to guide her well, she will be fine. (She will be fine, she will be fine, I will be fine, we all will be fine). And I have 1year 24days and 15minutes to get ready. That brown paper bag will get a lot of use, in the time we have left.

She is ready, she could leave today and be fine (sigh, breath, don't pass out, it's OK). But I need every second we have left together to prepare. Yes I know, GET A GRIP. Somebody already said it, but at this moment I can't. Maybe in a month or two I will be better, (uff is it hot in here, who turn the air conditioning up).

And that is where my friend Joy comes over. In seeing that she is ready, that in spite of it all I have done a good job of raising her, it makes me Joyful. So Joy reminds me that I have done well, that every step she takes is in the right direction. Even if those steps are taking her away, far away from me. My job will be done, I will just have to work part time, she will be 18, in college and responsible for the choices and steps she takes. Joy simply reminds me, that she is a good kid, smart and that has decided to live inside the will of God. So everything will be great. (Sometimes, I just tell her to shut up)

So now you know, the source of my agony, depression and neurosis. Does anyone know a good psychiatrist? By the end of this 1year 24days and 13minutes I will really need one.

So agony, depression and neurosis identified, working on them. Finding ways to channel my fears for the futures. You may be asking yourself, so what's left? The worst part for all involved. WAITING. That in itself is enough to drive anyone crazy, even my well balanced daughter. Latter I will tell you why.