Friday, September 10, 2010
I'm back
Sorry I was away awhile, but been very busy with my daughter's first days as a senior. (tear :,(. Hope to catch you up to the present this weekend. And begin narrating my last days as a high school students mother. Today I only have 10months 20days 10hours and 59minutes before she goes away to college. So see you soon.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Neurosis
Neurosis - refers to a class of functional mental disorder involving distress but neither delusions nor hallucinations, where behaviour is not outside socially accepted norms.
Some say that my neurosis with my daughter started the day she was born. Well, I actually think it began the moment I found out I was pregnant. I was four month along when I finally realized there was something wrong with me. A week latter I had done the math and realized that I was pregnant. It took me three more weeks to tell my mother (well I actually didn't tell her, the school's Social Worker did, I was to afraid). But even as afraid I was I knew I wanted to keep the baby, knew it was my destiny, for me there was no other choice.
Friend and family wanted me to get an abortion, or to give her up for adoption. But I couldn't think about that. She was part of me. Sometimes I think I was selfish, but even then I couldn't think about doing that. So my first obsession was keeping her. When my family was finally on board everything, was great. Well as great as can be in the life of a 15 year old pregnant teenager. Which was very difficult indeed. My mother sat me down one day and said: "OK, you want to keep her fine, but you alone will be responsible for her. You can stay here but you have to work, finish high school and raise her yourself." It was a challenge, difficult but not impossible, those words became my mantra, my objective and purpose in life. those a neurosis was born.
My neurosis has a name, ACHIEVEMENT. Not only that she be a great individual, but that everything she does, be great. (Just a little bit of pressure, right)
For example, when she was 3 1/2 years old, I was getting my associate degree, so I enrolled her on the Head Start program. She went there for half a day, my mother, that worked close to the center where she was, picked her up because I took classes everyday up till 3 pm. Near there, a shoe shiner had a station, so everyday she went there and saw him shinning shoes. At 3 1/2 years old she wanted to be a shoe shinier, and I told her she could be. As long as she was the best shoe shiner that ever lived. Her great-grandfather bought her a shoe shining kit, and for three months we had the shiniest shoes in the block.
When she was 4 years old she wanted to be a waitress. For a whole month in the house we had our own personal waitress. She would serve our food, drink and expected a tip at the end of dinner. I told her that she should strive to be the best waitress that ever lived.
The same was when she began taking ballet and then soccer. I wanted her to be the best. Yes I know, to much pressure. But, she did her best, and that was enough for me,. As long as it was her best. In academics, it was different she had to do her best, but for a different reason. Her future depended on it. If she wanted to have options for college, she couldn't wait until she was in high school, she had to be ready before.
Elementary school was in preparation for Junior High; Junior High was in preparation for High School, and High School is in preparation for College. There was no time to waste in the making of an overachiever; And overachieve she has. But my work isn't done, we still have 1year 24days 23minutes of preparation left. (Breath, breath, breath, hyper. . . venti. . .lating, must . . . find. . . brown. . . paper. . . bag)
I'm back, where was I. Oh yeah, what's left, the following:
Some say that my neurosis with my daughter started the day she was born. Well, I actually think it began the moment I found out I was pregnant. I was four month along when I finally realized there was something wrong with me. A week latter I had done the math and realized that I was pregnant. It took me three more weeks to tell my mother (well I actually didn't tell her, the school's Social Worker did, I was to afraid). But even as afraid I was I knew I wanted to keep the baby, knew it was my destiny, for me there was no other choice.
Friend and family wanted me to get an abortion, or to give her up for adoption. But I couldn't think about that. She was part of me. Sometimes I think I was selfish, but even then I couldn't think about doing that. So my first obsession was keeping her. When my family was finally on board everything, was great. Well as great as can be in the life of a 15 year old pregnant teenager. Which was very difficult indeed. My mother sat me down one day and said: "OK, you want to keep her fine, but you alone will be responsible for her. You can stay here but you have to work, finish high school and raise her yourself." It was a challenge, difficult but not impossible, those words became my mantra, my objective and purpose in life. those a neurosis was born.
My neurosis has a name, ACHIEVEMENT. Not only that she be a great individual, but that everything she does, be great. (Just a little bit of pressure, right)
For example, when she was 3 1/2 years old, I was getting my associate degree, so I enrolled her on the Head Start program. She went there for half a day, my mother, that worked close to the center where she was, picked her up because I took classes everyday up till 3 pm. Near there, a shoe shiner had a station, so everyday she went there and saw him shinning shoes. At 3 1/2 years old she wanted to be a shoe shinier, and I told her she could be. As long as she was the best shoe shiner that ever lived. Her great-grandfather bought her a shoe shining kit, and for three months we had the shiniest shoes in the block.
When she was 4 years old she wanted to be a waitress. For a whole month in the house we had our own personal waitress. She would serve our food, drink and expected a tip at the end of dinner. I told her that she should strive to be the best waitress that ever lived.
The same was when she began taking ballet and then soccer. I wanted her to be the best. Yes I know, to much pressure. But, she did her best, and that was enough for me,. As long as it was her best. In academics, it was different she had to do her best, but for a different reason. Her future depended on it. If she wanted to have options for college, she couldn't wait until she was in high school, she had to be ready before.
Elementary school was in preparation for Junior High; Junior High was in preparation for High School, and High School is in preparation for College. There was no time to waste in the making of an overachiever; And overachieve she has. But my work isn't done, we still have 1year 24days 23minutes of preparation left. (Breath, breath, breath, hyper. . . venti. . .lating, must . . . find. . . brown. . . paper. . . bag)
I'm back, where was I. Oh yeah, what's left, the following:
- PSAT - October 17, 2009 (that's done, we are now on July 7, 2010)
- PEUP - October 2010
- SAT - October 2010
- ACT - October 2010
- AP Exams - April 21 - 24, 2011
Plus, get and maintain good GPA,fill college admission forms, student aid forms, look for additional student aid. What's happening, what am I doing on the floor, did I black out again?
What's left to do many things. My brain goes a thousand miles a minute. I try to control it, but can't. I really need a hobby.
As you can see she has been my whole life since she was born. She has consumed every waking and sleeping moment in my life, so its a little difficult to let go. It will be hard to do, but not impossible. If I was able to guide her well, she will be fine. (She will be fine, she will be fine, I will be fine, we all will be fine). And I have 1year 24days and 15minutes to get ready. That brown paper bag will get a lot of use, in the time we have left.
She is ready, she could leave today and be fine (sigh, breath, don't pass out, it's OK). But I need every second we have left together to prepare. Yes I know, GET A GRIP. Somebody already said it, but at this moment I can't. Maybe in a month or two I will be better, (uff is it hot in here, who turn the air conditioning up).
And that is where my friend Joy comes over. In seeing that she is ready, that in spite of it all I have done a good job of raising her, it makes me Joyful. So Joy reminds me that I have done well, that every step she takes is in the right direction. Even if those steps are taking her away, far away from me. My job will be done, I will just have to work part time, she will be 18, in college and responsible for the choices and steps she takes. Joy simply reminds me, that she is a good kid, smart and that has decided to live inside the will of God. So everything will be great. (Sometimes, I just tell her to shut up)
So now you know, the source of my agony, depression and neurosis. Does anyone know a good psychiatrist? By the end of this 1year 24days and 13minutes I will really need one.
So agony, depression and neurosis identified, working on them. Finding ways to channel my fears for the futures. You may be asking yourself, so what's left? The worst part for all involved. WAITING. That in itself is enough to drive anyone crazy, even my well balanced daughter. Latter I will tell you why.Sunday, July 4, 2010
Depression
Depression - refers to a state of low mood and aversion to activity. The person experiences feelings of sadness, helplessness and hopelessness.
My friend Depression, comes from a single source. She, is leaving. She will always be my baby, but she won't be with me always, and that is OK. She has to make her own life, and logically I will have to make my own life without her. But the fact that i know that doesn't make it any easier. So i get depressed. It seams stupid even to me. I have always looked at those clingy mothers with some sort of judgement. but now, that the shoe is on the other foot, I understand them completely. It's specially hard for me, at least it feels that way, for several reasons.
Reason #1 I'm a single mother.
Not to detract from two parent households, because that's God's model for a family. But single mothers have to work twice as hard to achieve the same things that two parents do. Because there is only one parent, so the work can't be shared. Responsibility is only in the one parent's shoulders. You feel that you have to protect that child more, because he or she will face challenges that a two parent child will never have to deal with. You have to be so many things at once, you sometimes feel like you have multiple personality disorder. (You have to be mother, father, friend, the good guy and the bad guy and everything else they need). It's exhausting.
Well it's certainly not clinical depression (I think). But it's very deep feelings, mine comes from the fact that I will no longer be able to control circumstances around her. People in my family call me The Dictator, because of the tight grip I keep on my daughter. I'm sure some of them think I'm worst than Fidel and Chavez, with a little Pinochet, and a lot of Kim Jong Il put together. The way I control her life. But I don't call it control, I call it direction. A little, OK a lot, of guidance never hurt anyone. And I have nobody else to blame, so if things go wrong, I'm the only one to blame, and then everyone will be saying, if you had done this or that.
So yes, I'm a hard mom. I love her but expect a lot from her. So I have kept a tight grip on her. Like giving her objectives to achieve, had her on a tight schedule and punished her for things that many other parents would go are you insane.
That dictatorship has it's days numbered. I have at this moment, 1year 11months 9days 15hours and 30minutes left to rule. (As I'm blogging, is more like 1year 1month 27days 1hour 30minutes). And that right there depresses me. As e can see from history, satellite nations, and colonies at one time or another will declare a war for independence. I fear that my war of independence will be declared the moment she leaves for college. I know I'm being dramatic. No citizens will die in this war, but The Dictator will be dethroned and a new government will make all future decisions. The old regime will be consulted, once in a while. But it will be diplomatic. Decisions are going to be made with or without that counseling. Can someone get me a tissue, I think the country's levy system is braking down.
Everyone I speak to tells me to get a hobby. But my mind can't think of anything. I already do scrapbooking, other arts and crafts, I'm not a good painter, don't play any instruments. I think all I need is a part time job, so Wal-Mart here I come. Why Wal-Mart you ask? It's a noisy place, there is something to do a lot of the time, and I won't have to think to much about stuff.
Or, I should get something that will occupy my mind completely so that I won't have time to think about what my daughter is doing, if she's fine, and all the other things that will drive me crazy. We will see in 1year 11months 9days 15hours and 18minutes from now. I'm thinking Japaneses is an option, just trying to understand the language, less learn it will keep me busy.
But it's OK, I will go to a therapist and talk about my feelings, Well better make it a psychiatrist to prescribe something for me. ( A little Zoloft or Cymbalta never hurt anyone). I already have people saying my obsession is pathological, so all I need is a little pill to help me. (Just kidding, one won't be enough).
Reason #2 She's my only child.
I had no other children. I would have been crazy to have other children after her. I was also too focused on getting my own education. By the time I finished my bachelor degree, I knew I wasn't ready to get into a relationship. I had and have trust issues. I decided that I wouldn't look for love or anything like it. If it was out there it would have to find me.
Since I haven't found someone compatible, I guess there is no one out there for me, and on the children issue, I had my hands full with one I didn't need to make things harder for myself. Besides I think it would have been selfish of me to have other children. So all my love and devotion was deposited on her.
It's a heady thing to be the sole object of ones affection. But she has had mine always. It came from a place of good intentions. Because all my life, I have felt that I have to love her twice as hard because she doesn't have her father.Maybe, it's not the healthiest thing to have done, but, she has always felt safe, wanted and loved. Above all else, she knows her mother is always there and will always be there when she needs me.
As she grows in the the wonderful woman I know she will be it's difficult because I don't really want to let go. Don't worry I will, even if it dills me. Over dramatic much.
Reason #3 She occupies 100% of my time.
Even when we are apart she consumes most of my time. Take this precise moment, I'm thinking of her. She will get off school in half an hour, she will be leaving with a teacher, that will bringer to my office from Santa Isabel 2o minutes away from where we live in Guayama. She will arrive around 2:30 - 2:45 p.m. I', thinking of her drive here; will something happen? Did she eat at school? Does she have homework? so many things go through my mind that it's a miracle that I can even work.
Even when I work, I do it for her. To pay for her school, expenses, needs. Because I don't want her to lack for anything. You must think she's a brat, but because of some miraculous reason she is not. But not for the lack of attention. She has everyone around her in the palm of their hands. Still she's very humble and obedient.
The rest of the time is spent in getting her here, there, everywhere. Fixing her things, arranging her schedule, and may other things., So when she leaves, my time will be free. Not from thinking of her, but of all the other stuff. Free time to drive me insane. Has anyone heard of empty nest syndrome, and one have it even before the nest is empty? I think we should call it Pre-empty Nest Syndrome (PENS).
So those are the roots of my depression. Don't worry Cymbalta can help. I really do need therapy. Referrals anyone, suggestions for hobbies will be much appreciated.
But like my friend Hope, Peace comes along to calm me down. She takes my hand and lets me know that even though it will probably hurt, it won't kill me when she leaves. That everything is under control and will be fine. But, for the moment Depression is certainly wining. But Peace doesn't give up, I'm really rooting for Peace to win, because I will really need her in 1year 1month 27days 1hour and 5minutes from now.
The agony will pass, depression won't last for ever, the neurosis well that's different.
My friend Depression, comes from a single source. She, is leaving. She will always be my baby, but she won't be with me always, and that is OK. She has to make her own life, and logically I will have to make my own life without her. But the fact that i know that doesn't make it any easier. So i get depressed. It seams stupid even to me. I have always looked at those clingy mothers with some sort of judgement. but now, that the shoe is on the other foot, I understand them completely. It's specially hard for me, at least it feels that way, for several reasons.
Reason #1 I'm a single mother.
Not to detract from two parent households, because that's God's model for a family. But single mothers have to work twice as hard to achieve the same things that two parents do. Because there is only one parent, so the work can't be shared. Responsibility is only in the one parent's shoulders. You feel that you have to protect that child more, because he or she will face challenges that a two parent child will never have to deal with. You have to be so many things at once, you sometimes feel like you have multiple personality disorder. (You have to be mother, father, friend, the good guy and the bad guy and everything else they need). It's exhausting.
Well it's certainly not clinical depression (I think). But it's very deep feelings, mine comes from the fact that I will no longer be able to control circumstances around her. People in my family call me The Dictator, because of the tight grip I keep on my daughter. I'm sure some of them think I'm worst than Fidel and Chavez, with a little Pinochet, and a lot of Kim Jong Il put together. The way I control her life. But I don't call it control, I call it direction. A little, OK a lot, of guidance never hurt anyone. And I have nobody else to blame, so if things go wrong, I'm the only one to blame, and then everyone will be saying, if you had done this or that.
So yes, I'm a hard mom. I love her but expect a lot from her. So I have kept a tight grip on her. Like giving her objectives to achieve, had her on a tight schedule and punished her for things that many other parents would go are you insane.
That dictatorship has it's days numbered. I have at this moment, 1year 11months 9days 15hours and 30minutes left to rule. (As I'm blogging, is more like 1year 1month 27days 1hour 30minutes). And that right there depresses me. As e can see from history, satellite nations, and colonies at one time or another will declare a war for independence. I fear that my war of independence will be declared the moment she leaves for college. I know I'm being dramatic. No citizens will die in this war, but The Dictator will be dethroned and a new government will make all future decisions. The old regime will be consulted, once in a while. But it will be diplomatic. Decisions are going to be made with or without that counseling. Can someone get me a tissue, I think the country's levy system is braking down.
Everyone I speak to tells me to get a hobby. But my mind can't think of anything. I already do scrapbooking, other arts and crafts, I'm not a good painter, don't play any instruments. I think all I need is a part time job, so Wal-Mart here I come. Why Wal-Mart you ask? It's a noisy place, there is something to do a lot of the time, and I won't have to think to much about stuff.
Or, I should get something that will occupy my mind completely so that I won't have time to think about what my daughter is doing, if she's fine, and all the other things that will drive me crazy. We will see in 1year 11months 9days 15hours and 18minutes from now. I'm thinking Japaneses is an option, just trying to understand the language, less learn it will keep me busy.
But it's OK, I will go to a therapist and talk about my feelings, Well better make it a psychiatrist to prescribe something for me. ( A little Zoloft or Cymbalta never hurt anyone). I already have people saying my obsession is pathological, so all I need is a little pill to help me. (Just kidding, one won't be enough).
Reason #2 She's my only child.
I had no other children. I would have been crazy to have other children after her. I was also too focused on getting my own education. By the time I finished my bachelor degree, I knew I wasn't ready to get into a relationship. I had and have trust issues. I decided that I wouldn't look for love or anything like it. If it was out there it would have to find me.
Since I haven't found someone compatible, I guess there is no one out there for me, and on the children issue, I had my hands full with one I didn't need to make things harder for myself. Besides I think it would have been selfish of me to have other children. So all my love and devotion was deposited on her.
It's a heady thing to be the sole object of ones affection. But she has had mine always. It came from a place of good intentions. Because all my life, I have felt that I have to love her twice as hard because she doesn't have her father.Maybe, it's not the healthiest thing to have done, but, she has always felt safe, wanted and loved. Above all else, she knows her mother is always there and will always be there when she needs me.
As she grows in the the wonderful woman I know she will be it's difficult because I don't really want to let go. Don't worry I will, even if it dills me. Over dramatic much.
Reason #3 She occupies 100% of my time.
Even when we are apart she consumes most of my time. Take this precise moment, I'm thinking of her. She will get off school in half an hour, she will be leaving with a teacher, that will bringer to my office from Santa Isabel 2o minutes away from where we live in Guayama. She will arrive around 2:30 - 2:45 p.m. I', thinking of her drive here; will something happen? Did she eat at school? Does she have homework? so many things go through my mind that it's a miracle that I can even work.
Even when I work, I do it for her. To pay for her school, expenses, needs. Because I don't want her to lack for anything. You must think she's a brat, but because of some miraculous reason she is not. But not for the lack of attention. She has everyone around her in the palm of their hands. Still she's very humble and obedient.
The rest of the time is spent in getting her here, there, everywhere. Fixing her things, arranging her schedule, and may other things., So when she leaves, my time will be free. Not from thinking of her, but of all the other stuff. Free time to drive me insane. Has anyone heard of empty nest syndrome, and one have it even before the nest is empty? I think we should call it Pre-empty Nest Syndrome (PENS).
So those are the roots of my depression. Don't worry Cymbalta can help. I really do need therapy. Referrals anyone, suggestions for hobbies will be much appreciated.
But like my friend Hope, Peace comes along to calm me down. She takes my hand and lets me know that even though it will probably hurt, it won't kill me when she leaves. That everything is under control and will be fine. But, for the moment Depression is certainly wining. But Peace doesn't give up, I'm really rooting for Peace to win, because I will really need her in 1year 1month 27days 1hour and 5minutes from now.
The agony will pass, depression won't last for ever, the neurosis well that's different.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Agony
Agony is defined as pain, anguish or struggle, specially the struggle that precedes death, from the Greek word agonia.
Agonia, has moved into my friendship circle because of many reasons. But let me explain why my daughter going away to college no matter where is agony. Like I said before, I was a teenage single mother. I had my family's support, but it wasn't like they did everything for me. I had to grow up fast, and become responsible, not only for myself, but responsible for another life too. So I grew up. I finished high school, went to community college and got my associate degree in Office Administration, continued on to the local university and got my bachelor in the same thing. All of that because of her. It wasn't easy, but I did it because of her. All in my life has been because of HER.
Just the other day I told her the words that make that agony explainable: "I fell in love with you the day you where born". Corny I know, tacky yes, cliche of course, cheesy for sure, but true very true. So like my studies, the motivation for everything in my life is my daughter. Every step ever taken, ever decision every made, was driven by her presence in my life. Yes I know, I sound like and obsessed person, like a stalker. But the day she was born, she became my reason for living, and that right there i the root of my agony. Because the day she graduates, she will become an independent being. And although our lives will be forever connected it's not, and will never be the same again. She will be a grown up, and the reason for my being will be removed from my life (over dramatic much).
For so many years she has been the driving force of my life, that I have no idea how to live without her. For that same reason we are very close. She became my best friend, and when she goes I will feel abandoned by my daughter and my friend. A little melodramatic am I. Well that's not half of it. There are other, maybe less stressful reasons for my agony, but still the contribute.
Sometimes (OK always) I'm a little overprotective. So the fact that she will be somewhere that I wont be able to know what's happening, if she is OK, if she ate, what are those around her doing. Is she sleeping well, so many things to worry about and I won't be able to do anything about it. Because she will be miles away. Some thing that to every overprotective mother is nerve raking in itself, but again there are other things adding to the fire.
What other things you ask. BOYS. She is very pretty. She doesn't think so, but she is. She has long curly light golden brown hair color, sun kissed skin color, and brown-green eyes. She's skinny and athletic, but not overly so, and is of average height. She's shy and very reserved and a little bit of a klutz, which many boys find attractive or at least intriguing, because of the whole damsel in distress thing. Up till now she has been oblivious of the male sex and their interest in her. But it has been in part for my efforts (I become an illegal pitbull when boys are around her).
She has felt attraction to only two boys, but nothing ever came of it (THANK GOD). There have been many that have shown interest but all have been squashed by her high standards and my rabid dog glare (It's help that sometimes I foam from the mouth). All but two intrepid suitors have venture into battle and were sadly lost in the war. One is still licking his wounds. So his experience had warded off others that had shown interest but didn't want to be casualties of war. Until the second one came. Because of the firsts actions I (figuratively speaking, really wishing I could have) put her in a secluded Island, surrounded by leagues of water. I figured if a suitor really deserved her, he would swim until he reached her. But sadly he drown, and the funny thing is he hadn't even left the shallow waters.
But through all those interested she has had me there to counsel her in what to do. And in other cases, I have been the crusher of hearts, discouraging them with simple, but firm words. So my worry is, if she will be able to hold off the male sex that will surely fin her attractive and endearing. Will there be a suitor strong enough to withstand her forces, and swim the whole distance. And she wont have her weapons, me.
Everyone tells me that she's smart, that I have raised her well. But will that be enough. I really hope so. (Breath everything will be OK). But knowing all that doesn't give me peace of mind. She won't be near me, I won't know what's going on or the boys where she is. And that makes me a little cuckoo. I have explained many things, well everything, about boys, relationships and (sigh) sex. So she is no naive little girl that doesn't know anything about life. But it still scares me. (And anyway boys have cuties).
I just have to put all my trust in someone that will be a force stronger than her mother, a true superhero with overwhelming capabilities, JESUS CHRIST. And that is how I meet my friend Hope, she is with me now all the time, she tries and calms me down, and points to the bright spots that are there when I lift my eyes and step out of the shadows. She lets me see that everything is within God's plan, and that nothing I worry about is big in His grasp, so I breath and relax and relax, and calm myself down.
So those are the things that makes my friend Agonia come over, and agonize about the future. There are other worries, but not agonies. And the reality of the thing is that I will have to get a life.
Agonia, has moved into my friendship circle because of many reasons. But let me explain why my daughter going away to college no matter where is agony. Like I said before, I was a teenage single mother. I had my family's support, but it wasn't like they did everything for me. I had to grow up fast, and become responsible, not only for myself, but responsible for another life too. So I grew up. I finished high school, went to community college and got my associate degree in Office Administration, continued on to the local university and got my bachelor in the same thing. All of that because of her. It wasn't easy, but I did it because of her. All in my life has been because of HER.
Just the other day I told her the words that make that agony explainable: "I fell in love with you the day you where born". Corny I know, tacky yes, cliche of course, cheesy for sure, but true very true. So like my studies, the motivation for everything in my life is my daughter. Every step ever taken, ever decision every made, was driven by her presence in my life. Yes I know, I sound like and obsessed person, like a stalker. But the day she was born, she became my reason for living, and that right there i the root of my agony. Because the day she graduates, she will become an independent being. And although our lives will be forever connected it's not, and will never be the same again. She will be a grown up, and the reason for my being will be removed from my life (over dramatic much).
For so many years she has been the driving force of my life, that I have no idea how to live without her. For that same reason we are very close. She became my best friend, and when she goes I will feel abandoned by my daughter and my friend. A little melodramatic am I. Well that's not half of it. There are other, maybe less stressful reasons for my agony, but still the contribute.
Sometimes (OK always) I'm a little overprotective. So the fact that she will be somewhere that I wont be able to know what's happening, if she is OK, if she ate, what are those around her doing. Is she sleeping well, so many things to worry about and I won't be able to do anything about it. Because she will be miles away. Some thing that to every overprotective mother is nerve raking in itself, but again there are other things adding to the fire.
What other things you ask. BOYS. She is very pretty. She doesn't think so, but she is. She has long curly light golden brown hair color, sun kissed skin color, and brown-green eyes. She's skinny and athletic, but not overly so, and is of average height. She's shy and very reserved and a little bit of a klutz, which many boys find attractive or at least intriguing, because of the whole damsel in distress thing. Up till now she has been oblivious of the male sex and their interest in her. But it has been in part for my efforts (I become an illegal pitbull when boys are around her).
She has felt attraction to only two boys, but nothing ever came of it (THANK GOD). There have been many that have shown interest but all have been squashed by her high standards and my rabid dog glare (It's help that sometimes I foam from the mouth). All but two intrepid suitors have venture into battle and were sadly lost in the war. One is still licking his wounds. So his experience had warded off others that had shown interest but didn't want to be casualties of war. Until the second one came. Because of the firsts actions I (figuratively speaking, really wishing I could have) put her in a secluded Island, surrounded by leagues of water. I figured if a suitor really deserved her, he would swim until he reached her. But sadly he drown, and the funny thing is he hadn't even left the shallow waters.
But through all those interested she has had me there to counsel her in what to do. And in other cases, I have been the crusher of hearts, discouraging them with simple, but firm words. So my worry is, if she will be able to hold off the male sex that will surely fin her attractive and endearing. Will there be a suitor strong enough to withstand her forces, and swim the whole distance. And she wont have her weapons, me.
Everyone tells me that she's smart, that I have raised her well. But will that be enough. I really hope so. (Breath everything will be OK). But knowing all that doesn't give me peace of mind. She won't be near me, I won't know what's going on or the boys where she is. And that makes me a little cuckoo. I have explained many things, well everything, about boys, relationships and (sigh) sex. So she is no naive little girl that doesn't know anything about life. But it still scares me. (And anyway boys have cuties).
I just have to put all my trust in someone that will be a force stronger than her mother, a true superhero with overwhelming capabilities, JESUS CHRIST. And that is how I meet my friend Hope, she is with me now all the time, she tries and calms me down, and points to the bright spots that are there when I lift my eyes and step out of the shadows. She lets me see that everything is within God's plan, and that nothing I worry about is big in His grasp, so I breath and relax and relax, and calm myself down.
So those are the things that makes my friend Agonia come over, and agonize about the future. There are other worries, but not agonies. And the reality of the thing is that I will have to get a life.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
My Faithful Friends: Agony, Depression, Neurosis
As many of you know the last two years of high school are very emotional (well at least for me). There is nervousness, insecurity, and many other emotions coursing through you all the time, and its overwhelming. And on top of everything else your have to deal with your children's emotions too.
For example, in her junior year we had to get ready for the PSAT. The day that I started making the arrangements for her to take the test I felt like electricity was coursing through me. It was excitement mixed with terror. Excitement because it was a step closer to her future. Terror because it was a step closer to her future. What a conundrum. So of course I started hyperventilating. I tell you it's very difficult for me to breath when I think of her leaving.
Everyday I think and tell myself that everything is going to be OK; and others I say to myself forget about everything let things runt its course. Because really she could stay here, and she would get a degree in something. Why does she have to go away? The answer it's simple, she deserves it, has worked hard for it. So man up, don't be a wimp and get over yourself. It's not about you, it's about her, and in the end you promised. Dammed promises, why do we make them.
So there, Agony, Depression and Neurosis are now my faithful companions. Each offering something to make me go bananas. But at least I have hope, there is someone that, when I let Him takes them away and gives me new friends Peace, Hope and Joy.
For example, in her junior year we had to get ready for the PSAT. The day that I started making the arrangements for her to take the test I felt like electricity was coursing through me. It was excitement mixed with terror. Excitement because it was a step closer to her future. Terror because it was a step closer to her future. What a conundrum. So of course I started hyperventilating. I tell you it's very difficult for me to breath when I think of her leaving.
Everyday I think and tell myself that everything is going to be OK; and others I say to myself forget about everything let things runt its course. Because really she could stay here, and she would get a degree in something. Why does she have to go away? The answer it's simple, she deserves it, has worked hard for it. So man up, don't be a wimp and get over yourself. It's not about you, it's about her, and in the end you promised. Dammed promises, why do we make them.
So there, Agony, Depression and Neurosis are now my faithful companions. Each offering something to make me go bananas. But at least I have hope, there is someone that, when I let Him takes them away and gives me new friends Peace, Hope and Joy.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Chaging Her Mind: Yet Again
We are Christians, baptist actually. So she has been raised in Church, as a very active member. She has been in the children's choir, pantomime ministry, helped in many others. Our Church, like many others, has a youth ministry. Which she is part of. Every summer they have their spiritual retreat. Four days long, where they go away from parents, school, TV, and other distractions to receive spiritual instruction and strengthening. She has participated of the, since she was 10 years old.
Every year she comes home transformed. Whit a new outlook and telling of the wonderful experiences they had. Every year, she is so impacted by those experiences that if affect her life.
For example, she had been a member of the Guayama Female Soccer Club for seven years, played all positions, was a regular on the playing field. She had left ballet for soccer. She did both for two years and finally decided that soccer was her true passion. So she divided her time between Church and soccer. It was never a problem, but suddenly soccer was interfering with a lot of church commitments.She wasn't happy. She had been thinking of what to do, if she wanted to leave soccer, to be faithful to church and God,or if she was going to keep on with soccer and fail at some things in Church.
If she stayed with soccer she would miss the youth meetings on Fridays and some worship services on Sundays. She was very upset. She loved both a lot. Soccer made her happy, and so did God, so its was very difficult. She spent a whole year considering what to do.
Every summer they would get July off from soccer practice and games. Then on August the practices would resume and by the end of September the games would start. the youth summer retreat, would always be during that month, so she never had a scheduling conflict with practice or games. Since February of that year (2008), when she was injured during a game, she had been considering leaving the team. The main reason was, because she was going to be promoted to a higher level, and it would require that she sacrifice more of church time to be part of the team. She had been debating what to do for so long, and it was hard because she loved soccer so much.
So finally, summer came, that year they had games up to a week before she was leaving for the retreat. After a game, the coach wished them a good rest period, and told them they would be back on August 10, 2008. A week later she went of the the youth retreat. When she came back she was transformed. Her mind was made up, the experiences she had during those four days made it clear what was of most importance. She said goodbye to soccer, and the team. And even though she still love soccer, god is the most important thing in her life.
That was the first radical change in her life. So 2009 wasn't going to be any different. What we didn't know was how much this experience would change her life. Another youth retreat would be the source of the second one. This change of heart more profound than the first, because it was going to determine the course of the rest of her life.
It's 2009, she has finished the school year on an excellent 3.95 GPA. Everything is set for the summer, the first one in her life that she will be able to do whatever she wanted. She had wanted to go on a missionary trip to Bolivia, but because she was only 15, the age requirement wasn't met. She was disappointed, but she made other plans. As in other years she would help in the Church's Children's Bible Summer School, and this year wouldn't be the exception.
June came and went and finally July was here and the youth retreat a couple of days away. Ever year a new preacher would come. Usually a missionary in another country. That year the missionary was from Guatemala, he worked in a missionary field in Mississippi for a Hispanic congregation, he came with his wife and children. The were Elvis and Wendy García. Their children Pablo and Josue. This time she had the opportunity to meet the missionaries before they left for the retreat. so she had bonded with them, had the confidence to speak with them about their work. Specially with Wendy. that made a big impression on my daughter.
By the time she got on the bus to leave she had great expectations. By the time she got of the bus, four days later, her whole future had shifted into something different. Again I couldn't be mad. The reason, a conference for girls during the retreat given by Wendy. It was during that time and the service that night that she felt the hand of God upon her to received her calling.
What is it you wonder? Missionary life. Breath, breath, breath, just breath. That is what I tell myself now every morning, because that means her departure from home is more permanent than four years or five of college. It means that she will go to some far away country and will work there, she won't come home after college.
That Thursday when she got out of my brothers car I new something was different. Half an hour later she told me she had her calling to be a missionary. Fifteen minutes later she has an appointment with our pastor, a missionary himself, to counsel her about how to proceed. That appointment, would change her college choice.
On Saturday, after her meeting with our pastor her future had shifted yet again. Goodbye Liberty University. Hello Central Baptist College.
Central Baptist College
Every year she comes home transformed. Whit a new outlook and telling of the wonderful experiences they had. Every year, she is so impacted by those experiences that if affect her life.
For example, she had been a member of the Guayama Female Soccer Club for seven years, played all positions, was a regular on the playing field. She had left ballet for soccer. She did both for two years and finally decided that soccer was her true passion. So she divided her time between Church and soccer. It was never a problem, but suddenly soccer was interfering with a lot of church commitments.She wasn't happy. She had been thinking of what to do, if she wanted to leave soccer, to be faithful to church and God,or if she was going to keep on with soccer and fail at some things in Church.
If she stayed with soccer she would miss the youth meetings on Fridays and some worship services on Sundays. She was very upset. She loved both a lot. Soccer made her happy, and so did God, so its was very difficult. She spent a whole year considering what to do.
Every summer they would get July off from soccer practice and games. Then on August the practices would resume and by the end of September the games would start. the youth summer retreat, would always be during that month, so she never had a scheduling conflict with practice or games. Since February of that year (2008), when she was injured during a game, she had been considering leaving the team. The main reason was, because she was going to be promoted to a higher level, and it would require that she sacrifice more of church time to be part of the team. She had been debating what to do for so long, and it was hard because she loved soccer so much.
So finally, summer came, that year they had games up to a week before she was leaving for the retreat. After a game, the coach wished them a good rest period, and told them they would be back on August 10, 2008. A week later she went of the the youth retreat. When she came back she was transformed. Her mind was made up, the experiences she had during those four days made it clear what was of most importance. She said goodbye to soccer, and the team. And even though she still love soccer, god is the most important thing in her life.
That was the first radical change in her life. So 2009 wasn't going to be any different. What we didn't know was how much this experience would change her life. Another youth retreat would be the source of the second one. This change of heart more profound than the first, because it was going to determine the course of the rest of her life.
It's 2009, she has finished the school year on an excellent 3.95 GPA. Everything is set for the summer, the first one in her life that she will be able to do whatever she wanted. She had wanted to go on a missionary trip to Bolivia, but because she was only 15, the age requirement wasn't met. She was disappointed, but she made other plans. As in other years she would help in the Church's Children's Bible Summer School, and this year wouldn't be the exception.
June came and went and finally July was here and the youth retreat a couple of days away. Ever year a new preacher would come. Usually a missionary in another country. That year the missionary was from Guatemala, he worked in a missionary field in Mississippi for a Hispanic congregation, he came with his wife and children. The were Elvis and Wendy García. Their children Pablo and Josue. This time she had the opportunity to meet the missionaries before they left for the retreat. so she had bonded with them, had the confidence to speak with them about their work. Specially with Wendy. that made a big impression on my daughter.
By the time she got on the bus to leave she had great expectations. By the time she got of the bus, four days later, her whole future had shifted into something different. Again I couldn't be mad. The reason, a conference for girls during the retreat given by Wendy. It was during that time and the service that night that she felt the hand of God upon her to received her calling.
What is it you wonder? Missionary life. Breath, breath, breath, just breath. That is what I tell myself now every morning, because that means her departure from home is more permanent than four years or five of college. It means that she will go to some far away country and will work there, she won't come home after college.
That Thursday when she got out of my brothers car I new something was different. Half an hour later she told me she had her calling to be a missionary. Fifteen minutes later she has an appointment with our pastor, a missionary himself, to counsel her about how to proceed. That appointment, would change her college choice.
On Saturday, after her meeting with our pastor her future had shifted yet again. Goodbye Liberty University. Hello Central Baptist College.
Central Baptist College
- Enrolment Cost $15,500
- Room and board included
- Student Aid up to $15,000
- Acceptance requirements above 23 on the ACT
- Community service requirement N/A
- Acceptance rate 80%
CBC is a baptist college, as stated in its name, that has a faith based curriculum.Focused on ministry, but also fives professional courses and degrees. After speaking with our pastor she decided she would go there, to study missions and nursing. Her plan is to get her bachelor in nursing, with a minor in missions and pre-med. Then after graduation go to med school and study surgery, specializing in pediatric surgery. So that she can go around the world spreading the Word of God at the same time helping those children that don't have the means to get medical help, the care they need.
That's the new plan. For her is like she can't wait for these two years to be over with. So she can star to work on the Lord's plan. For me it's agony, AGONY I tell you. There is no way that she will stay now.
So forget the Klenex, find me some Bounty paper towels before I flood the house with tears. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy that she's found her true calling, but I'm sad also, what an oxymoron. It's bittersweet, a sweet sorrow and all that. Gosh where's the paper bag, hyper-venti-lating can't breath, feeling light headed. Now I'm left with my new friends Agony, Depression and Neurosis. Let's meet them.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Let's Play the College Game v2
So like I said last time she changed her mind again about college. But I can't blame her for changing it. Here's the reason why:
So on her sophomore year of High School a university scout goes to her school to talk with the seniors. There are only four seniors that year. Let me explain. Her school is what is known as a Church School, participating in the School of Tomorrow curriculum of the Accelerated Christian Education Program. The students have advance classes, so they graduate when they finish all credit requirements for graduation, to be able to get into college.
That year there were only four students graduating. So the school counselor took all the high school students to listen to the scout. He was from Liberty University, in Linchburg, Virginia. From that day on she fell in love with Liberty. First,because its a Christian base university. Second, because it had a female soccer team. Third, because of the campus. I fell in love with it because of the costs.
Liberty University (2008)
So on her sophomore year of High School a university scout goes to her school to talk with the seniors. There are only four seniors that year. Let me explain. Her school is what is known as a Church School, participating in the School of Tomorrow curriculum of the Accelerated Christian Education Program. The students have advance classes, so they graduate when they finish all credit requirements for graduation, to be able to get into college.
That year there were only four students graduating. So the school counselor took all the high school students to listen to the scout. He was from Liberty University, in Linchburg, Virginia. From that day on she fell in love with Liberty. First,because its a Christian base university. Second, because it had a female soccer team. Third, because of the campus. I fell in love with it because of the costs.
Liberty University (2008)
- Enrolment costs $18,698.00 per year
- Room and board included
- Student aid up to $20,000
- Acceptance requirements 2.85+ GPA 1,200+ SAT
- Community service requirements N/A
- Acceptance rate 80%
OK, so it's no UVA, but still is in Virginia a state we love. They give up to $4,500 from the university, without including Federal Student Aid. The best thing of all it's a Christian University. She will be in a Christian environment, which is perfect for her. they have a sports program that she liked, and they have a pre-med program. the admissions requirements can be met without problems, and they understand her high school program, and are familiar with it. So it's perfect, well besides the fact that she will be in another part of the world, I can live with it. See no hyperventilation or fainting. I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK.
So for a year we are part of the LV family, we are getting updates, invitations. She's practically accepted in tenth grade. We are happy, it will be difficult to pay the rest of the tuition, but I have research, she is a candidate for several other student aids and private grants. So I'm not so worried. We have friends and family close, so if she needs something they will be able to help. (I'm no longer allowed to move with her).
Everything is on track, she finishes her sophomore year in the top of her class with 3.95 GPA. She's working on her community service, not a requirement for any of the schools we have looked at, but it can do nothing but help. Specially for those additional student grants.
I get on the, and resources Internet, look for student aid site, and resources. Not only government, federal or state, but also private grants. I fount www.studentaid.ed.gov, a resource site that allows you to see what student aid the government has, and you qualify for, and apply to it there. Another good site is www.students.gov, there you find additional information about grants and aid available in your area.
Finally, probably the best is www.collegescholarship.org, because it divides the grants and aid available in different categories. It tells you how to find it,, how it works and hot to apply. As well as tips to get the most for your money.
Another good one is www.edu.fastweb.com and www.finaid.com, because they take your information and matches all the aid, grants and loans available to you. the requirements, submission dates, who is the organization giving it and why. it not only matches government, but also private funding. that can help supplement your state or federal grants.
Everything is set. She's working hard, focused and ready. Can't wait for graduation. Am I really that good, or is she trying to get away from me? Well, let's say it's a little of both. I'll admit it I'm a little over involved. But she is my only child, and my reason for being. (Exaggerate much, not).
All the research is done, now is just a matter of staying the course. Keep updating the information. Look for other resources, be prepared. I'm not even trying to convince her to stay. That's her grandmothers job.
Everyday I chant to myself, I'm ready, we are ready, we are ready. I sound like Sponge Bob. I start counting the days until graduation, at this time as am writing this there are just 730 days until graduation (May 2009). Ah, the brown bat is right here. Yes we are ready or so we thought. That was before the summer 2009. When a very special experience changed the course of our lives, and at the same time sent me back to my research. Just when I was finally adjusting to LU everything changes again. At least my faithful companion is the same, always here with me. Right Brownie
Friday, March 5, 2010
Let's Play the College Game
We will begin from, pardon the redundancy, the beginning.
College selection is key to make future plans. If you don't know whats your child's first or second choice college then no preparations can be made in regards to academic acceptance standards, student aid, and community service requirements. all of which are important for planning. of course when your child is in seventh grade is difficult to make them chose a college, but you can do it for them. Can't you?
Well for me it was easier. In Puerto Rico there are only three universities worth considering. And for us, we are baptist, only two. since one is a Catholic university. So here the best school is State in the form of University of Puerto Rico. It really is very good,and they offer all areas of study. So it was easy, she would go to University of Puerto Rico, the campus in Mayagüez, which of course is the best, and study pre-med. She already knew she wanted to be a doctor by then.
So University of Puerto Rico:
Tomorrow I will tell you how.
College selection is key to make future plans. If you don't know whats your child's first or second choice college then no preparations can be made in regards to academic acceptance standards, student aid, and community service requirements. all of which are important for planning. of course when your child is in seventh grade is difficult to make them chose a college, but you can do it for them. Can't you?
Well for me it was easier. In Puerto Rico there are only three universities worth considering. And for us, we are baptist, only two. since one is a Catholic university. So here the best school is State in the form of University of Puerto Rico. It really is very good,and they offer all areas of study. So it was easy, she would go to University of Puerto Rico, the campus in Mayagüez, which of course is the best, and study pre-med. She already knew she wanted to be a doctor by then.
So University of Puerto Rico:
- Enrollment costs (2009) around $10,000 a year
- Room and board - around $4,000 a year
- Student Aid - up to $20,000 a year
- Acceptance Req. - IGS 370 for pre-med
- Community Service Req. - N/A
- Acceptance Rate - 30%
So she could go there, student aid would cover must of the cost. I would only have to worry about room and board. She had a good GPA and if she managed to keep it up until high school graduation she would be accepted. She already did a lot of community service in the Girl Scouts and Church. So there was no problem in her going to State. Of course, she never makes things easy for me.
Because when she was 10, we went on an educational tour of Washington DC. During our visit we also went to visit Charlottesville, VA, to see presidents Jefferson's and Monroe's houses and couple of other places. In our visits we passed by Virginia State University, founded by Jefferson, with a beautiful campus. She loved it so much that it became her dream college. (Of course, she wanted to go to state university, just not our state university)
I didn't think about it. I just thought that she would change her mind. Four years later she hadn't changed it. She was in her freshman year of high school so I was forced to look at UVA admissions requirements (year 2007).
Virginia State University
- Enrolment costs (2009) - $31,870 a year
- Room and board - $8,220
- Student Aid (estimated) - $12,300 a year
- Acceptance Req. - GPA didn't state it
- Community Service Req. - not required
- Acceptance rate - 24%
So here we go, have to work, look for other student aid and grants. Oh here we go, can feel it, coming on, hyperventilating. Uff, what happened. One I'm sitting in front of the computer and, the next minute I'm on the floor. Oh yes $31,870 and that's for general studies, want to know how much is pre-med $62,026. There I go again I must do this things on the floor.
But it's my daughters dream school, she will work to get there and so will I. Again I promise that she will have all the opportunities she wants, experience every good thing there is. If she wants to go to Virginia State, she will. It will be hard, but not impossible, the the help of the Almighty we will make this dream happen. So I begin praying for that chance, to find a way that she can go to that prestigious university. I'm ready, know the costs, admissions requirements, just have to wait until she graduates. And there she goes again, changing everything once again.Tomorrow I will tell you how.
Hello Again
Is it pathetic to say hello to my only two followers, when they are my mom and my aunt. I guess, but anyway, hello. After a long vacation from the blogosphere I'm back, with a lot more to write about.
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